Retired - Next Phase

Presidential Debate: Perception vs. Reality

Did you tune in to the presidential debate Friday night? As I was watching, I found myself analyzing the style of the two speakers rather than the content. I was reminded of the first televised presidential debate between Kennedy and Nixon. Those who listened to the debate on the radio believed, hands down, that Nixon won. Those who saw the televised program believed, hands down, that Kennedy won. Why the difference? The answer could be summed up with the word “style” or “perception.” 

Kennedy was a tanned, vibrant young man who was relaxed and comfortable in front of the camera. Nixon, by 8:30 p.m., had a dark 5 o’clock shadow which made him look sinister. The sheen on his head indicated how nervous he was, and his eyes darted furtively around the room as he spoke, but his words or content, were fine. He just didn’t convey the visual impression he wanted. He didn’t make viewers “feel” comfortable.

As you read this note, keep two things in mind--”Perception is reality” and Maya Angelou’s words, "People may not remember what you did or what you said but they will always remember how you made them feel."

Little mannerisms or gestures by the speakers can affect how the audience perceives them. For example, Gore lost points because of rolling his eyes in response to Bush’s comments.   George H.W. Bush made the fatal mistake of checking the time on his wrist watch which gave the impression that he was bored. Tiny movements, probably not specifically detected visually but felt viscerally by those watching can make a difference.

If you are someone who is involved with or interested in speaking and presenting seminars, you too may watch the presidential debates from a different perspective than the average person in another field. Friday night’s debate between the Senators McCain and Obama highlighted significantly different speaking styles, which will definitely influence the decisions made by those who are as yet undecided.

One very successful tactic that McCain used was beginning many of his rebuttal comments with, “He just doesn’t understand” or “He just doesn’t get it” in order to reinforce his campaign strategy of painting Obama as too inexperienced for the job. How many observers were consciously aware of that? Subtle insinuation works when used repeatedly.

Another effective speaking technique was McCain’s use of stories, whether in the form of a history lesson, e.g., Eisenhower before the D-Day invasion or Reagan’s decision in the l980’s to keep troops in Lebanon, which conveys a sense of history and relationship to revered leaders of the past. 

Everyone loves a story, especially when it is delivered with emotion and a feeling of conviction. His story about a mother approaching him and asking if he would wear the bracelet with his son’s name on it was very touching. Obama’s counter comment, “I have one too,” lacked the impact of the actual story and showed his impatience at his opponent for not directly addressing the question.

Like Reagan’s famous line while debating Mondale, “I won’t hold your youth and inexperience against you,”  which disarmed his opponent who no doubt would have brought up his age, McCain also poked fun at his age when he said “I’ve been around a little while.” Good tactic.

Obama, an excellent orator, responded to questions in a very professorial way, enumerating his points and being very specific. The directness may have made some listeners feel uncomfortable because not everyone relates to an intellectual. They may have been reminded of their school days when they didn’t know the answers.

Obama was energetic but didn’t use drama in his responses nor did he recall past history which his opponent did on numerous times, adding to the perception of McCain’s abilities to be a better-qualified president.

I had the feeling that we had the professor teaching us, and we had the grandfather chastising the professor, impressing us with stories from the past, and evoking fear in response to some of Obama’s ideas. 

One thing I will be more aware of in the next debate is eye contact. The morning newspapers captured the two men shaking hands at the end. If you have a copy, check out the body language and the eye contact. Interesting.

What is important about this debate to those of us in the speaking business is how listeners perceived the two men--not what they said, but how they were perceived and how they made listeners feel. You cannot ignore the value of perception, especially when, long-range, one of these men will be conveying this perception to world leaders. Comfortable folksiness with history vs. energetic brilliance without history. So many people have asked, “Which would you rather share a beer with?” Are people still asking that question?

I can’t wait to see the vice presidential debate this week.

An excellent book on speaking, one which I referenced frequently in the preparation of You Cannot NOT Communicate is Roger Ailes’ You Are the Message. Ailes is president of Fox News Channel and chairman of the Fox Television stations group, known as “the amusingly ferocious Republican media genius” and a “pit-bull Republican media strategist turned TV tycoon.” He was political media advisor for numerous U.S. senators and presidents. The book, written in 1988, is still available on amazon.com for only $.79.

Attitude--Walking Your Talk

One of my favorite essays which I incorporate into most of my trainings comes from Charles Swindoll who wrote so strongly about the importance of attitude.

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the

past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than

successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important

than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company, a

church, a home.

“The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the

attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past. We

cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot

change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we

have, and that is our attitude.

“I am convinced that life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90

percent how I react to it. And so it is with you. We are in charge of our

attitudes.”

Believing so strongly in the importance of attitude, I found myself recently in an awkward situation which required that I either “turn the other cheek” and reward the poor attitude and rude actions of another or “stand my ground” and refuse to reward such behavior, even if doing so impedes my goal to sell our shore home. Let me explain.

I believe that all communication is influenced by attitude. If you feel superior, your words, body, and tone will convey that feeling to the listener, unless you are a professional actor. Disguising disdain and a feeling of superiority would challenge most communicators. If you have experienced this lethal cocktail--one part disdain, one part superiority--you will know what I mean. Unfortunately, I met up with this deadly potion just this past weekend.

Sunday we had a real estate agent and her boss come by to appraise our house. Her boss had already done the measuring and write-up; she was there to familiarize herself with the property, e.g., do a walkthrough.  My first impression when I met her was “What a pretty young lady!” and I complimented her on her beautiful tan.

That was the last pleasant thought I had about her. As her boss is saying, “This is the kitchen; this is the dining room, etc.” in a playful way, she ignores him and strides straight to the front of the house and says with disgust, “You can’t list this house as beachfront!” alluding to the fact that the beach is very narrow. Perhaps another way to have stated her concern would have been, “Perhaps we should list this as waterfront rather than beachfront.” Good point. I would have agreed.

She turns around and asks her boss in an imperious, demanding tone, “Is this a load-bearing wall--people might want to open this up to a nice-size front room,” implying, of course, that this is a substandard, inferior room. Standing right next to her I handed her the drawings for the house. She looks at them and recognizes that she can’t read them, turns around and heads upstairs.

Her body, her face, and her tone of voice are saying much much more than her words we are hearing.

I’m now beginning to feel as if I’m living in a disgusting hovel of a place, unfit to be placed on the market. Is this a marketing ploy to get me to agree to a low listing price?

Once upstairs, she asks if the hardwood floors run into the bedroom. I tell her I doubt it because the extra thick carpeting is there to cushion the noise for the two bedrooms located directly beneath them. She turns around and asks her boss the exact same question again, as if I hadn’t answered it and as if I weren’t there. I respond again; and once more, as she is attempting to pull up the carpet in the doorway to find out if, indeed, the flooring extends into the bedroom, she asks her boss the same exact question one more time. 

Am I invisible? Or am I not worthy to be acknowledged? Or perhaps she thinks I’m not bright enough to understand her questions. Or perhaps, in her opinion, I am beneath her.

Now I’m mad!! I do not want her representing our house. I want her out of my house. My husband comes in, and suddenly she softens and shares pleasantries with him. We sit and she proceeds to tell me of other places for sale on the boardwalk--half the size, older, and rundown, but putting ours along side of them. I want her out of our house!!

Throughout her list of examples, she addresses only my husband at the other end of the table, looking at me only when she was making a negative point about how those overpriced hovels took so long to sell. At this point I had no intention of asking her any questions. I wanted her out of my house!! What have I done to be so unworthy of her respect, but worse, to be spoken to with such disgust? 

She has violated everything I believe in and teach about attitude and human relation skills. Should I just let it go so I can get my house on the market and seen by potential buyers? Am I “selling out” by ignoring her behavior? Or should I act on the principles I so believe in? Is my ego offended or do I truly believe in “walking my talk?”

I decided. I was not going to reward her discourteous behavior, pretending it didn’t happen by signing on the dotted line so she can receive a commission as the listing agent when the house sells.

After she was gone, we talked to her boss who is one of our closest friends, agreed with his recommended price and are ready to sign with the stipulation that she is not the listing agent. In fact, I don’t want her name on the sign in front of the house or on any contract I sign. If she sells the house, that’s great and she should get a commission. But why should I help her get the referrals by promoting her name and phone number on a sign in front of my house after she so clearly displayed her disdainful attitude toward me and my house? Should she be rewarded for her rudeness? If she were, it would have been at the expense of my belief system. Attitude and civility do count. Ignore them and they multiple. I can’t do that!

Stories, The Heart of Presenting

Everybody loves a good story, especially if listeners can "feel" the words. All of the "thou shalt not's" in the world pass over the heads of listeners unless they can relate personally to what they should or shouldn't be doing.

Every morning, following the advice in Julie Camerson's book, The Artist's Way and recently her new book, The Writing Diet, I dutifully write my three morning pages as soon as I get out of bed, some days with one eye open and some days wondering why I do this to myself. The words flowing from my pen don't always make sense and aren't necessarily spelled correctly as my hand scrawls marks across the page.

Recently I had a rather large "AHA!" as I was writing. What I have found from my writing is awareness of happenings that have occurred in my life which potentially make great stories and which I can save to use in my seminars to punctuate or validate a point.

Television commercials rely on stories. What's more effective, telling someone to stop smoking or listening to the lady currently featured on ads who tells about her 20 amputations and shows us her fingers which lost circulation and had to be amputated because of cigarette smoking. You hear her tell her story, see her finger stubs, and get the point!

The amazing thing is we live stories every day, and when we become aware of them, we can capture them on paper before they disappear from our minds.

We tell children to stay away from strangers, don't go near their cars, but do they "get" it? Last week in my senior citizen Autobiographical Legacy Salon, the topic was "My scariest moment." The first lady talked about the inappropriate actions of a man asking her for directions from his car when she was nine or ten years old. Each lady thereafter added their stories to the theme. Finally, one rather large lady told the story of when she was a nurse on desk duty late one night and what happened with one the phone caller. The phone rang. She picked it up, stated her name and the name of the hospital, and heard a sexy voice ask in return, "What's your name?" She again repeated her name and the name of the hospital.

He then asked in the same lowered sexy voice, "What size bloomers are you wearing?" She immediately responded in a similar lowered, sexy voice, "If I tell you, you won't call me again."

Everyone laughed! We certainly did not expect to hear her say that. The point is two-fold: one, stories make a point, and two, humor makes the story memorable.

If you were giving a workshop on pedophiles to young adults and wanted to make the point that there are sick people who will prey upon women of any age, not just children, this would be a perfect story to tell. This lady's story added comic relief to a very serious topic.

The second advantage of writing your stories is you will learn more about yourself. What is your passion? Passion is something you are drawn to; it is something which you already do or could do naturally, without real effort. In other words, I love music but I am not drawn to sing or play an instrument because I am tone deaf. Nature is not so capricious as to make us deeply desire to be an opera singer when we cannot carry a tune, not matter how much training we have.

Because early morning writing is "stream of consciousness" writing, what flows from your pen is what you are focusing on, either consciously or unconsciously. The words that flow from your pen are the thoughts that occupy your mind and are perhaps most meaningful to you. Watch closely, your passion is there.

Warmth Works

Some places I enjoy visiting just because I leave feeling better than when I entered. This morning I went to the bank to close my savings account and transfer the funds to a higher interest-paying money market account. A tall, lanky young man of mideast descent now handles customer service, a promotion from his former teller job. He is quiet yet warm and welcoming. I think it is his eyes. He has kind eyes, and I always look forward to working with him.

He first came to the bank about a year ago, and early on helped me out when I was in a real bind. I had no checks with me and the ATM machine was broken. Without hesitation, he asked me the information he needed and viola, I had my withdrawal from him.

Thereafter, whenever I went through the drive-through, I always managed to get his attention and thank him again.

The point is simple: people are attracted to people who make them feel good. I'm sure this young man has problems in his life, but he doesn't bring them with him. He efficiently and competently handles my account and makes me feel special merely through his demeanor. What a nice way to start the day!

The word "Seminars"

Perhaps it is the name--"Seminars"--that is scary. For many people, that word might bring to mind the picture of a formal hotel or conference room setting, with perfectly placed tables, chairs, a podium, high ceilings, carpeted floors, and participants all dressed in suits, ties, and office dressware--all formal "stuff."

In fact, "seminar" is defined in Webster's New World College Dictionary as "a group of supervised students doing research or advanced study, as at a university; a course for such a group; the room where the group meets; any similar group discussion." This picture and the first one that appeared in your mind would scare off a lot of people, but the picture just described doesn't have to the picture for you.

A "seminar" is a group of people who meet in some location to learn something. The location could be a room in your company, the local community center room, the "Y", an adult school classroom--any place that will hold the number of people you expect to attend.

For businesses, seminars are a great way to solve one of their customers' problems. If you sell digital cameras, a seminar could focus on how to use the various buttons. If you help your customers, they will come back. If you are a financial planner, you could teach people how to organize their receipts for the preparation of their tax returns. If you are a coach, you can offer a solution to one problem particular to your niche. You could even have a huge laser coaching session.

The point is seminars can reach large numbers of people who need to learn what you have to offer. What better way to attract clients than through the holding of seminars--formal or informal!