The Civility Solution

Donald Trump Choose Joan Rivers! Why?

What is the definition of success? Webster defines it as 1) satisfactory completion of something; 2) the gaining of wealth and fame; 3) one that succeeds. The good news is everyone can experience success according to definitions #1 and #3. That leaves #2 to think upon.

I’ve pondered on definition #2 since watching the final episode of The Celebrity Apprentice Sunday night where the winner was chosen on the basis of five criteria, one measurable and four based on opinion, which means the the winner resulted from  Donald Trump’s arguably subjective selection.

A person can be a success without the “gaining of wealth,” e.g. Mother Teresa, obscure scientists, professors, teachers, doctors, inventors, etc. who make the world a better place but may not amass wealth.

A person can gain fame, such as the famous runway model who abuses her assistants or through possessing a particular talent. Joan Rivers is certainly famous and has a huge following. She is gifted with a quick mind and a quick (and frequently hurtful) wit. She’s written a play and has a jewelry business, therefore, according to definition #2, she must be a success.

Perhaps it is because I’m on my civility kick where I expect to be treated respectfully by employees I do business with that I find rewarding unkindness--lack of civility--objectionable. To me, public unkindness in the form of blatant nastiness is not acceptable. Calling people names, being constantly rude, not allowing a person to talk, constantly interrupting, swearing, telling untruths, debasing, deriding--these are not characteristics I ascribe to a winner. To me, these characteristics describe a real loser--no matter how famous and rich the person is. 

Being able to turn the tears on and off signifies great acting, not sincerity. Calling another dishonorable does not make the caller honorable.

Unfortunately, a daughter was born without the talents of the mother yet has adopted those same very unflattering characteristics which were evidenced by almost every close-up she had during the event and crescendoed when she was fired. In addition to being embarrassed for Melissa, I actually felt bad for her.

The public persona of Donald Trump is one of a no nonsense, brilliantly successful, yet kind, man who finds the best in everyone (except Rosie). We, the public, see The Donald as a master of civility. Ivanka and Don, his two older children, also display their brightness and human sensitivity through their pointed, edgy questions to the participants. So why did he pick Joan Rivers? Because she is 75 and is energetic? Because Piers Morgan, a successful, yet equally unkind man, told him to? 

The conundrum I see and can’t figure out is Trump’s admiration of people like Amarosa and Piers? Maybe he’d like to be openly mean also, but I doubt that. I did appreciate his sensitivity when he dealt with Dennis Rodman. 

The bottom line for me regarding success consists of specific ingredients among which are 1) accomplishment in a particular area and 2) sensitivity to others. If either of these characteristics is missing, the term is notoriety, not success.

Sleeping in the Bathtub

The Lathis Hotel, Brattleboro, VT

Under normal circumstances, were I to lose sleep because of where I was staying, I would rate the hotel a big, fat zero.

This past weekend, my daughter and I were in New England for her graduate school commencement and decided to stay at the art deco Lathis Hotel in Brattleboro, VT. This old, yet quaint hotel had been recommended by close friends whose judgment we valued. Once we got there, we checked in and left for dinner where we met three other people who were staying there and loved it. In fact the one couple comes back yearly on Kentucky Derby day and always stays at the Lathis.

Because I had booked the room last minute, I was under the impression that we had received the last room available with two beds. I was appreciative that we had found a place to stay.

Around midnight we turned off the television and were surprised at the noise level in the room. My daughter went next door and found that we were located right next to the hotel’s condenser or whatever it is that ventilates, heats, and cools the entire hotel. 

I believe I could have adjusted to the noise, but within an hour I began to feel “car sick.” My bed was right next to the wall, and it actually vibrated! (Friends laughingly tell me I should have been charged more for a vibrating bed.)

I sat in the chair for a while but was totally uncomfortable, so I decided to move someplace where I could possibly fall asleep, away from the noise, away from the vibration. The only place I could think of was the bathtub! I took the cushions, pillows and blankets and nestled down in my cold cocoon from 1 a.m. top 6:15 a.m. Sleep was rather elusive, and my fear was being too stiff to get out of the tub.

Long story short: in the morning I went to the desk, explained my plight, and requested I pay for only half of the bill. The night manager was so nice and so sympathetic, telling me she would have moved me in the middle of the night had I called, but of course I didn’t know that. The morning manager arrived, listened to my story and to my request, and so very kindly said, “I’ll give you a full refund.”

As long as you don’t stay in room 106, I would still highly recommend this hotel for its quaintness but most of all for the kind, courteous service we received!

A Smile Is Warm and Welcoming

After my unpleasant experience with the grumpy saleslady at Staples on Sunday, I went to Paneras for lunch. The gals at the counter were officious--not warm, but certainly not rude or offensive. They did their jobs.

A delightful surprise awaited me, however, when I picked up my soup. The young man who put the orders together and then called the name of the customer finally got to my order. He glanced up, said “Gail, soup?” I responded in the positive and got the warmest, most pleasant shy smile as he handed me my tray. 

Such a small thing--a smile, yet so important. I felt special just because of that momentary smile and temporary recognition.

A smile warms the room and the hearts of the people within!

Grumpy Staples Saleslady

When the new Staples store opened in downtown Westfield this year, I was delighted. I no longer had to out to the highway for ink or toner or little things I needed.

Yesterday I read the Staples sales circular and found four items I needed. Off I went for my second visit. During my first visit I encountered some harried salespeople, which I attributed to being new and feeling pressured. 

Yesterday I found three of the four items I needed. The slot where the fourth half price item had been was empty. I asked if I could get a rain check. The saleslady timidly asked the woman who was obviously in charge, and this woman turned on me as if I had insulted her. “We don’t carry the sale items here!” which was contradicted by the three items in my hand. 

I calmly asked, “You mean I should have gone to the big store on the highway?” She angrily retorted, “Yes!” I apologized for my mistake in coming here, paid for my items and vowed never to come to this store again.

Rudeness does not work! My favorite tip from my Secret Shopper Tips booklet is “See the invisible tattoo on everyone’s forehead that reads ‘Please make me feel important!’”

Civility at the Oscars??

Oscar night unleashes a bouquet of beautiful people dressed in colorful, gorgeous gowns (and suits) strutting gracefully down the red carpet. This is the creme-de-la-creme of movie world, and we all love to watch.

My favorite gowns and my less-than-favorite gowns reflect my taste, not the wearers of such finery, so I am always taken back when critics decide to ridicule and demean certain gowns and the people wearing the gowns that they don’t like.

Who cares what Stephen Whitty likes or doesn’t? Who is Stephen Whitty anyhow? Perhaps he is someone who thinks his ridicule is funny? Maybe he’s a nice guy being paid to make outrageous comments so people will read the paper--like people having to look at a car crash?

Monday’s Star Ledger read “We’re not sure whose wallpaper died to make this dress, but the floral-bling-on-black gown did the curvaceous Beyonce no favors.” Is that funny? Not to me it isn’t. And I’m certain it would be hurtful for Beyonce to read.

Writer, Stephen Whitty, goes on to debase others: “What Miley Cyrus wore wasn’t so much a dress as a float in the Rose Bowl parade. We assume her hair looked like that because no stylist could reach far enough past the layered hoop skirts to reach her head.” OUCH!

 “Poor Amanda Seyfried . . . looked like somebody’s long-forgotten Christmas present.” That happened to be one of my favorite gowns, but who am I to judge?

“A bath sheet? Actually Jessica Biel wore a satin gown by Prada, but the overall effect was more towel-rack than terrific.”

I can almost understand when a person is being paid to be unkind, but I would imagine that money is costly to the individual being paid. If the unkind words were meant to be humorous, I wonder if Beyonce, Miley, Amanda, and Jessica would agree.

It is tough to justify lack of civility in any circumstance. Maybe celebrities are used to this type of unkindness but I subscribe to Maya Anglou philosophy, "People may not remember what you did or what you said but they will always remember how you made them feel," and that’s the price the Stephen Whitty’s of the world pay--hurting others for a living! In the long run, that's a hefty price to pay.